Hubby and I went to his cousin’s backwoods wedding this weekend, and I mentioned some of the highlights on yesterdays post, which seems to have caught your attention, so here’s a bit more about what happened (yes, it’s a long one):

The Bride: a 38 yr old recent divorcee with 4 daughters ages, 18, 13, 11, 9.  Her first husband left her last year for a 22 yr old, he then took custody of all 4 daughters.  After that he took a job as a hit man for a friend and got caught trying to kill the man’s wife, in TX – they lived in VA. She moved back to PA last fall to live with her father, right after her mother left him for his best friend, and this spring when her first hubby went to jail, the youngest 2 girls came to live with her, the oldest two are living with the eldest daughter’s boyfriend’s parents…

The Groom: a very high strung, quite handsome, Native American, party boy extraordinaire.  Somewhere in his early 40s, I believe – but he looks young, and acts younger.

The Maid of Honor:  The Bride’s sometimes friend, and mother of the bride’s niece.  She is also a sometimes girlfriend to the bride’s brother.  She’s also a terrible gossip, very two-faced woman, who’s first husband left her after hearing some of the rumors she had been spreading.

Now that you know the characters – you can kind of see the recipe for disaster right?

The wedding itself was held at a state park on a lookout tower.  Sounds beautiful right?  Thing is you’re not allowed once daily cialis to rent out the park, so it’s still open to the public while the wedding is going on, so in the background there are tons of families hiking and rock climbing, as well as partying teens.

The bride’s father proposed to his girlfriend of 2 months just minutes before he walked his daughter down the isle…  But that is another story entirely, I just had to mention it because who’s father does that?  It’s just wrong!

The preacher called them by the wrong names – he had grabbed the wrong book, one that he had prepared for another wedding…

Now off to the reception, which was to be held at a local hole in the wall bar, which once again was still open to the public. Everyone kept buying the groom shots – and he couldn’t seem to turn them down.  The Maid of Honor got on the bride’s brother’s case about drinking (he is the father of her 18 yr old daughter, but they haven’t officially been a couple since the conception… Once again, another whole drama going on there…)  The brother whined to the bride about it, the bride took offense, and started ignoring the maid of honor.  The maid of honor started her horrible gossiping… The bar owner antibiotics asked the entire wedding party to leave when the bar became over capacity, and the groom was getting loud and clumsy…

The party was moved to the happy couple’s back yard, which is across a creek from their house.  The only way to said back yard is over a fallen tree – yes, walking across it, or of course through the water.  The daughter let the couple’s dogs out – big dogs – german shepard mixes – it had been raining most of the day and was muddy…  Need I say more about the trouble the dogs caused?  But besides the jumping on everyone, they also think it’s a game to “guard” the so-called bridge across the creek.

The groom, by this time was so trashed that he could hardly stand and the dog charged him (as he had taught it to do), he fell in – tux and all.  When he went inside to change, all the rest of us that had stuck it out this long, heard a terrible crash.  He had fallen into a stack of beautiful glass contemporary coffee tables that the bride’s father had given her as a wedding present.

As the remaining men were helping the groom clean up, the bride got wind of some of what the maid of honor was spreading around about her brother, and confronted her for the second time that day.  It nearly came to blows between two women in formal wear, and not twenty-somethings – these are grown women with grown daughters.

It started to downpour, which thankfully broke up the fight as we all ran for the canopies.  Things settled down.  We watched the rain and continued to deplete the stores of alcohol on hand.  The groom was now passed out in a chair by the fire.

The creek continued to rise, no one seemed to even notice it but me – but then I was the only hanging out in the mud in 4″ heels.  I brought this to my hubby’s attention and the party started to break up (thankfully).  The groom took another accidental swim on his way back to the house, and so did a few of his friends.

The bride decided that since it was so early, that they should head off on their honeymoon, instead of waiting till the next day.  Their van was at the Maid of Honor’s house, so she told them she would take them to get it, everyone was right there and heard her offer.

45 minutes later the maid of honor walks out onto the back deck where those of us whom were left were hanging out.  I asked how the bride and groom had gotten off, she said she didn’t know she hadn’t seen them.  The bride’s brother looked at her and asked if she had taken them to get their van.  No she hadn’t, she didn’t know she was supposed to.  She started reaming out the brother, and I jumped in.  I cannot stand this woman.  I flat out told her that we all heard her offer, and that she should shut up (but I didn’t say it that politely.)  She blew up, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone turn that shade of red.  I simply walked away while she stood and sputtered…

Then I grabbed my own hubby, and went to look for the newlyweds, who were at the top of the hill, by the maid of honor’s car waiting in the rain with their luggage.  The groom was laying on the ground.  The bride was crying. The maid of honor stumbled up the hill still red faced and pissed (now at me).

Hubby loaded the muddy, soaked, drunk groom, into the back of my car.  The bride punched the maid of honor – which was the best part of the night – at least for me!

We drove the “happy couple” to get their car, and tried to convince the bride to neither attempt to drive to Erie, PA – their honeymoon destination, nor to go back and kill the maid of honor (although I really wanted to egg her on there.)

We left them in their driveway, in the custody of the bride’s eldest brother and haven’t heard from anybody since.

The worst part of it is – that I can compare my first wedding to it disaster by disaster.

Tuesday Hops